A month, some tears, and living

Today marks one month from that dreadful night I woke up with a startling sharp pain in my stomach, back cramps, and minutes later water flowing from me. I always seem to remember that moment daily and how scared I was and realizing (in the back of my mind) the inevitable has happened. I just knew it.

I've had people ask me why I still have my posts up on Facebook about being pregnant and even losing our son. In reply, why would I delete them? I was happy that I was pregnant. I feel that if I delete anything pertaining to that part of my life it'd be like it never happened. As though my baby boy didn't exist. I've even held him. Touched him. Cried over him. He did exist and I felt the physical changes within me daily. Reading my excitement and announcement to all my friends makes me smile if I happen to scroll down to my newsfeed.

I must admit that it's still too difficult for me to see posts of other friends and their sonogram pics, new baby pics, baby announcements, etc. I have actually unsubscribed from their feeds to avoid any baby mention. It's not that I'm mad at them, it just hurts mentally. And they're so happy and I'm so miserable. For whatever reason, it's harder to see someone who I know personally that is pregnant or just had a baby than it is to walk by a passing stranger in the store. I've also noticed how my family avoids any mention of babies and pregnancy or anything related around me. I see it in their faces when they're about to and immediately change the subject. I know it. They know. It's just avoided which I'm thankful for.

At the same time I feel a little less sorrowful and a little more cheerful. I'm back online, I'm answering phone calls now, replying to texts, commenting and tweeting... I'm getting back to normal. It doesn't feel like thirty days has passed and I don't remember what I've been doing in that time frame. Going through the motions of day to day I suppose. I think my baby girl has gotten me back on track. I was so proud of her at her Pre-K awards assembly, having fun with her during her school's outdoor field day, having lunch with her everyday last week, and I got excited about this summer and all of the activities she's going to be in!

Physically I'm doing quite a bit better. Though, I would be so very happy if my headaches have completely ceased. That's not the case, unfortunately. They're terrible.

I think this will be my last post for a long while that I speak about my baby Andrew. I feel as though I've shared enough with everyone and I feel good enough to finally accept what has happened to me and my family. As surreal as it's been, it's done. I want to be my old snarky self again. Be happy. To be content. Crying has been my medicine and is healing me. I'll be fine and I can't wait to finally have my girls night that I've been putting off. It's time to get back out and be strong.

Continuing...

It's been two weeks since our family lost our baby, Andrew, and two weeks since I've shut off the world. I stopped tweeting, turned off my phone to ignore everyone who called or texted. I let my computer die off. I wouldn't let my love tell me that so and so called to check up on me. I became a hermit.
I didn't want to read any texts about how sorry everyone was because it was just a constant reminder. I didn't want to read any notifications from my phone that I might have received on Facebook, Twitter, personal email, etc. But today I forced myself to get up. I got dressed and painstakingly made my trip the obstetrician for my check-up from that terrifying day. After my visit I suddenly felt better, as though a weight was lifted from my heart. He told me I was (physically) fine and that we could even start trying to conceive again if it was something that we had discussed in private. Let me tell you, I have thought about it. I thought about having to go through another high risk pregnancy, losing another baby and that's just something I know I won't be able to handle. My doctor tried to console me and gave me encouraging words that this probably won't happen again.
Right now though, everyday I'm reminded that I'm not pregnant. From television commercials, baby magazines the doctors office signed me up for to the new movie previews of What to Expect when Expecting. Even my body is insistent upon reminding me. The sharp pains left behind from the D&C, the throbbing headaches, tension neck aches and backaches from the epidural, prenatal vitamins which I must continue taking… it's terrible. I'm not sure how women can move on from this being that this has been the most traumatic experience I've had to face; a nightmare.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm grieving. I continue to think about holding my stillborn baby in my hands. His tiny toes, thin fingers, little belly, my little angel. To describe it would be an exercise in futility. It is the sort of suffering that cannot be done justice with words. I can say only this - that [it] is an anguish from which one never recovers. A walking death. (Seth Grahame-Smith) Writing, even just a tad about this is helping as tears stream over my face. But it's therapeutic. I've tried looking into local mommy therapy groups but having to hear over and over about everyones experience is too much for me. Pen and paper have been my way out of my head and I'm feeling better. I laughed today. A lot. Thanks to my sister and an Ellen skit.
I even ate today! in public no less, with my mom and sister. I've lost quite a few pounds through these past fifteen days which I was quickly reprimanded for. Again, I'm feeling better and now I'm sharing my little story with anyone who wants to listen, read, give advice, or is just curious.
Mr. Winey has been the most caring, supportive, and completely understanding man for me through all of this. I thought this episode would distance us. Instead it has brought us together as we continue to cope and has given us someone to rely on and that's more than what I can ask for at the moment.
I know I'll simply never "get over it" and it'll be something that has made me stronger as I learn to continue to manage these grim feelings. But for now, I do want to thank everyone who has sent us their condolences, flowers, phone calls, texts, comments, tweets, DM's, emails, hugs, smiles, encouraging words, and their friendship and knowing that you're all there for us. Reading all of that today has lifted my spirits and I'm so appreciative to have great friends - physical and online friends. Thank you.