A month, some tears, and living

Today marks one month from that dreadful night I woke up with a startling sharp pain in my stomach, back cramps, and minutes later water flowing from me. I always seem to remember that moment daily and how scared I was and realizing (in the back of my mind) the inevitable has happened. I just knew it.

I've had people ask me why I still have my posts up on Facebook about being pregnant and even losing our son. In reply, why would I delete them? I was happy that I was pregnant. I feel that if I delete anything pertaining to that part of my life it'd be like it never happened. As though my baby boy didn't exist. I've even held him. Touched him. Cried over him. He did exist and I felt the physical changes within me daily. Reading my excitement and announcement to all my friends makes me smile if I happen to scroll down to my newsfeed.

I must admit that it's still too difficult for me to see posts of other friends and their sonogram pics, new baby pics, baby announcements, etc. I have actually unsubscribed from their feeds to avoid any baby mention. It's not that I'm mad at them, it just hurts mentally. And they're so happy and I'm so miserable. For whatever reason, it's harder to see someone who I know personally that is pregnant or just had a baby than it is to walk by a passing stranger in the store. I've also noticed how my family avoids any mention of babies and pregnancy or anything related around me. I see it in their faces when they're about to and immediately change the subject. I know it. They know. It's just avoided which I'm thankful for.

At the same time I feel a little less sorrowful and a little more cheerful. I'm back online, I'm answering phone calls now, replying to texts, commenting and tweeting... I'm getting back to normal. It doesn't feel like thirty days has passed and I don't remember what I've been doing in that time frame. Going through the motions of day to day I suppose. I think my baby girl has gotten me back on track. I was so proud of her at her Pre-K awards assembly, having fun with her during her school's outdoor field day, having lunch with her everyday last week, and I got excited about this summer and all of the activities she's going to be in!

Physically I'm doing quite a bit better. Though, I would be so very happy if my headaches have completely ceased. That's not the case, unfortunately. They're terrible.

I think this will be my last post for a long while that I speak about my baby Andrew. I feel as though I've shared enough with everyone and I feel good enough to finally accept what has happened to me and my family. As surreal as it's been, it's done. I want to be my old snarky self again. Be happy. To be content. Crying has been my medicine and is healing me. I'll be fine and I can't wait to finally have my girls night that I've been putting off. It's time to get back out and be strong.